Homosexuality and me.

To write two blogs in one day is highly usual for me, however because of a conversation that I had with a good friend tonight, I felt a need to write as I have a lot on my mind.

There was an article in Details Magazine this past month that I found to be extremely interesting. “Does Everyone Think You’re Gay?” is a witty, feature piece that takes the angle of the straight man that is commonly confused for homosexual.

Details humorously called these men “Stray”. Details explains it this way, “…a straight guy who sends out gay signals like he’s shaking a tambourine even as he proclaims himself– and in fact is–100% percent heterosexual.”

Details later goes on to describe it further. “The phenomenon shouldn’t be confused with that of actual gay men who masquerade as straight. And we’re not talking about the metrosexual, that embodiment of a played-out consumer mega-trend that involved slim-cut pants and moisturizer.”

And I guess there is actual scientific evidence that supports this idea that men can be “stray”. Researchers have studied behavioral traits such as the “hip sway” and “voice quality” and even physical traits like the hair-whorl patterns and finger length ratios.

I’ve been thinking about this issue for along time. There have been people that I have interacted with both in a social, corporate and even church context that have made comments that have alluding to my sexuality. The first time I ever encountered this was when I was around 20 and I was working an a larger, high-end clothing store in Grand Rapids where I was going to school. I was a pretty conservative Christian at this point in my life so I would get really offended and embarrassed when a customer or coworker would make a comment or just flat out ask.

As I have gotten older I have matured and I really don’t care to much what people think about me. Most of the time people are formulating opinions based around what I wear or other shallow superficial reasons.
I’m not sure as I should say or get into this, however I sometimes think about if I didn’t decide to become a Christian when I was 15 which formed my worldview, I have a feeling that I might have been swayed and began to walk down the path of homosexuality.

I know how that sounds. So many homosexuals would have issues with that statement. They would say there isn’t choice involved, that either I’m lying to myself about who I truly am or I never would have been homosexual.

I beg to differ.

I was a lonely, insecure kid who was terribly confused about so much of life. I was surrounded by a culture that defines a man that loves sports, likes to kill things and drive big trucks. I was raised in a family that had sports on constantly. My brothers and I were thrusted into competitive team sports by the time we were five. It was just a couple years ago where I arrived at the place where I could admit to myself and others that I don’t like sports, I don’t like playing or watching. I mean I would rather watch CNN over SportsCenter any-day. I am an artist, I love being creative and I love picking out color for walls. I love writing and reading. I love clothes and buying clothes and I don’t really care what people think. I know this sounds shallow and small but it was a big deal to me. It has taken a long time and it will take me a long time for me to be truly comfortable in my own skin.

There was a book that I read couple of years ago that helped shape my identity. Victory Over Darkness by Neil Anderson is a book that send the powerful message that if we are in Christ, we are no longer to be defined by what we look like, or what we were, moreover we are only to be defined as how God sees us. I know who I am in Christ, I know that I am made new, I know that God sees me as pure, holy and called out.

Homosexuality is such a tough issue and my heart goes out to anyone who struggles with this. I can honestly say there have been points in my past where I have questioned my sexuality and really had to pray through some thought patterns.

An issue like homosexuality isn’t an issue that is as black and white as most Christians think. Sexuality is very fluid and is very much formed out of so many complicated things.  I know that I would be crucified in a lot of christians circles for saying things like this, but I have shifted my position on homosexuality so many times. I guess when you get to know someone who has dwelt with an issue like this, and even dealing with it myself, answers don’t seem as black and white anymore.

My friend tonight asked some tough questions, questions that no one has ever been bold enough to ask me. I commend her for that and I thank her giving me the opportunity to talk it out with a trusted friend.
I guess I am at the point in my life where I find being authentic very freeing. The pattern I’ve seen in my life has pointed to the more transparent I become, the more growth and maturity comes into my life.

This is me being authentic. I am a man who has struggled with a thought pattern that leans towards homosexuality. I have struggled with identity issues not only in my sexuality but also with who I am in Christ and how valuable I am as a human being. I have struggled with giving and receiving love.

I don’t like secrets in my life and this for so long has been hidden under layers of insecurity and embarrassment, but I’m ready to move past all that.

I am who I am, and I’m cool with that. So toss me the paint swatches and Gap gift certificates I am a Stray male who loves women but also loves looking good and cool looking walls.

I thank you ahead of time for not reading a whole lot into this. These again, as with all my blogs are thoughts and ponderings. They are he seepage of thoughts that surface from my soul. Ideas, beliefs, worldview change, and I am not afraid to admit that I am wrong or admit that I still have growing to do.

You guys rock,
Grace and Peace.
Patrick.

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