From the Spotlight, to the Shadows and Everything in between.

I haven’t written for a while; so much has happed, so much is different. The contrast between life now and life six even two months ago is unbelievable to me. I stepped into a new job, in a new city and have found myself surrounded by completely new people.

People – I am learning to love them. For the past year I have been in island, separating myself from community and relationships. Being a freelance designer, I would sit in my empty apartment, sit behind the warm glow of my mac, work on projects and listen to music. For the most part it was beautiful, wake up when I want to, watch any movie I wanted when I wanted. Never had any conflict with anyone. Never needed anyone for anything.

I would leave my island only to meet up with friends, go to church or go shopping. However these actions were on my terms, in my own time. If I wanted to leave, escape, venture back into my cave – row back to my island…the ores were always they’re waiting for me.

My life is much different now. I live in community, I work in community and I am learning to once again work and play well with others.

All of the time.

Sure there are moments of escape, but these times are disproportionate from the times where I am interacting, engaging and connecting with people.

I am reading a book right now that has been paradigm shifting. A book hasn’t made me reflect and process more than this narrative has. The Shack, by William P. Young is a New York Times best seller that has been a Christian book anomaly. I don’t think any Christian Fiction has ever done this well. And as much as I hate to be a bandwagon jumper, this book has gripped me. I am reading it and I am hanging on every word.

This book is about a man [Mack], who through a series of events lost his daughter to a serial murder on a camping trip in Northern Oregon. The quasi-fictional narrative journeys with [Mack] as he comes to grips with his daughters death and his feelings of personal responsibility, and as a man who has always believed in God to some extent you watch Mack view his grief, sorrow and anger through his spiritual world-view.

Through a series of events Mack returns to the place of his daughters death and meets God there, but not God in the sense that our western, sons and daughters of middle-class parents world-view has taught us. He meets the triune, human reflection of God and to see even a fictional portrait of God like this is mind-blowing.

Even though I’ve been a Christian for over 10 years now, it’s been difficult to view God anything other than a (I am going to be honest here) huge, hard to understand, theological concept who seems sometimes to be involved in my life and at other times to be as distant and non-existent as any other religious deity.

This book has painted a picture of the humanity of God.

I mean in Genesis we read that we are created in the image and likeness of our creator. We read that, but it’s hard to wrap our heads around that statement.

The older I get, the more I grow in Christ the more questions I have and the things that I have been taught early on don’t seem so simple anymore.

Is it wrong of me to shy away from simplicity when it comes to Christian spirituality? As complex and as infinite as God is, to read a few passages in the Bible and draw unfounded and ungrounded conclusions, is not only presumptuous but also darn right ignorant I believe.

I might even go as far to say that knowing truths and concepts must submit to relationships.

I hate that I just wrote that, because I don’t want to believe it.

I am comfortable with truths and concepts. I can handle talking about theology and dissecting a passage of scripture. However getting involved in someone else’s life, working with someone day in, and day out. Extending grace and latitude to others. Putting my pride, my experience, my intellect on the back burner and submitting all that to serve others.

That sucks! Are you kidding me?

There is a conversation between “Jesus” and Mack in The Shack that I haven been chewing on, it goes as follows:

(This is Jesus talking to the lead character, Mack.)

“Have you noticed that even though you call me Lord and King, I have never really acted in that capacity with you? I’ve never taken control of your choices or forced you to do anything, even when what you about to do was destructive ot hurtful to yourself or others.”

Mack looked back at the lack before responding. “I would have preferred that you did take control at times, it would have saved me and people I care about a lot of pain.”

“To force my will on you,” Jesus replied, “is exactly what love does not do. Genuine relationships are marked by submission even when your choices are not helpful or healthy.”

“That’s the beauty in my relationship with Abba and Sarayu[Holy Spirit]. We are indeed submitted to one another and have always been so and will always be. Papa is much as submitted to me as I to him. Sarayu to me, or Papa to her. Submission is not about authority and it is not about obedience; it is all about relationship of love and respect. In fact, we are submitted to you in the same way.”

Mack was surprised. “How can that be? Why would the God of the universe want to be submitted to me?”

“Because we want you to join us in our circle of relationship. I don’t want slaves of my will; I want brothers and sisters who will share life with me.”

“And that’s how you want us to love each other, I suppose? I mean between husbands and wives, parents and children, I guess any relationship,” Mack questioned.

“Exactly! When I am your life, submission is the most natural expression of my character and nature, and it will be the most natural expression of your new nature within relationships.”

The place where I am at right now, I am finding myself having to look past my accomplishments, my experience, my education and serve in ways that quite frankly suck. When I am in these moments of serving everything feels unnatural and waves of my pride come into my thoughts telling me that I am to educated, experienced, creative to being doing such mundane busy work.

Even when it comes to relationships in my life that I didn’t choose — the same pride comes in and tells me that I am to cool, or intelligent to be hanging out or living with such people. Everything in me wants to lash out, become cynical or even angry with people.

Things like ‘submission’, ‘love’ and ‘respect’ have been the farthest things on my mind. To me, this job, these people don’t deserve this. It seems unnatural to extend acts such as this to these people.

I wonder if Jesus ever dealt with thoughts like this. I mean he knew he was a Rabbi, a prophet even God and yet he stepped into human history and worked as a carpenter and walked with a group of people whom we learn from scripture that weren’t the brightest or best people to work with.

Pride is such a bizarre thing. Pride is one of the few sins that make you miserable right off the bat. Pride is the thing that always wants more, to be recognized more to be given more attention for things that don’t matter in the long run anyway. Pride is the thing that keeps you miserable around people because you think you are better than them. Pride keeps you frustrated at work because you are under a constant belief that you are more important, to intelligent to do such menial superficial work.

Pride is so hard to let go of.

For the proud, there is a constant fear of becoming nothing, going from first to last, being lost in the shadows of others.

And that’s exactly what Jesus tells us to do.

This is Christianity.

The theology, the conversations, the attention, the success are all an afterthought to loving, respecting and submitting.

This is what I am learning. This is my struggle. This is where I am.

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